paralyzing fear

Up until this point my posts have all had a pointed message that I was trying to convey.  This one is more like a diary entry-  A glimpse into my fragile, easily perturbed mind.  For as long as I can remember I have struggled with worry and nerves.  I would vomit before every voice recital and sometimes when I just went out with friends.  I couldn't tell you the reason for the latter and it is embarrassing but those who have known me a long time know I used to carry a gallon plastic bag in my purse in case I needed to throw up from nerves somewhere.   I am afraid in most all areas of my life I struggle with fear, consistently second guessing every decision, and a very strong sense of inferiority or lack of ability.  A couple people who are dear to me consistently tell me I could do anything I choose to do.  They tell me I am capable of anything at all.  Sometimes I can believe this in the factual portion of my brain.  If I focus on things I have accomplished I can see that I may have done alright in areas of my life.  But my heart never seems to catch up to what I sometimes see as reality and what other people tell me as fact.  I believe mainly because I have a complete lack of confidence in what I can do. This and a constant general aversion to anything remotely resembling the unknown combines to place me in a deep level of fear.  The fear that I will fail or perform in any function at less than 100% is honestly paralyzing.  Physically I know I can do most things and work any job (that does not require a degree or special prior experience).  Mentally I feel utterly incapable of doing something I have never done before.  I understand to the lucid and orderly mind all this seems ridiculous and possibly pathetic.  But to my mind, it is the only way I think.  I cannot seem to get past the fact that I may fail or make mistakes.  Feeling inferior in preparation and experience does not begin to describe the workings of my frightened mind.  I know that all this is a faulty and awful way to think.  But what I don't think others understand is how paralyzing this fear is.  It is mentally crippling.  I honestly don't feel as though I can work to "better" my situation in life without a complete mental and emotional overhaul. In my limited vision, I cannot imagine a time where I could feel brave or excited about what could lay ahead for me by way of jobs or further education.  Its all unknown, dark, and scary to me.  

I know in my head that God has given me abilities whether or not I believe in my heart that I have them.  I know fear is not a godly trait and that by my attitude I am doubting His abilities.  I desperately need Him to heal my paralyzed mind.  I feel it will be a difficult and most likely lifelong struggle for me.  I wish I could be like the woman who could touch the hem of His garment and be healed instantly.  But perhaps by the slow exercise of faith in the little things I may one day be rid of the crippled limbs of my brain completely and be given new ones that run and leap while praising God.