Beginning in January this year I rapidly fell into a very dark place that to me seemed to be an impossible place to climb out of. And it was. For me. I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. Ps. 118:13. I was wrapped up in the confusion and frailty of my mind. Obsessively worrying over every thought that entered my mind or any impression that passed over me. My parents patiently worked with me through my utter fear and darkness for months. After the fears took over more and more, they effected my job and I had to go on a leave.
I cannot describe the fear of unrepentance and the constant fear of sinning that engulfed me. The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish.. Ps. 116:3. I could not live a perfect life, even if I thought I could live without outward sin I couldn't have perfect motives. Nothing felt like enough. Confession was excessive. Guilt and fear drove my life.
The doctor suggested that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I denied that any of this could be a medical condition. I was convinced that it was morally based and that the devil was torturing me with lies. I was very skeptical that there could be a medical side to my problem. I received a phone call from my Grammi who had not known I had been to the doctor and she specifically mentioned OCD in connection to my problem. Too many things seemed to point to finding a Christian Psychologist to visit to see if she could officially diagnose a disorder. Through prayer my parents walked forward with me.
God led us to Dr. Julie Stroemel and she has been a help and a blessing to me. She diagnosed me with OCD and told me that it was treatable. I couldn't imagine being better. But with God nothing is impossible. He does abundantly beyond what we ask and what we think.
When you have OCD, your brain can't communicate properly with itself due to a lack of serotonin. It gets stuck in loops and you can't seem to get out of them. Unwanted thoughts come into your mind and you obsess over them, they cause you to feel compelled to perform actions to relieve or release yourself. It is a slavery of the mind.
God worked with me through my concerns over taking medicine to help with the deficiency of serotonin. As both my doctor and psychologist said, my brain is as much a part of my body as anything else, and I wouldn't think twice about accepting insulin if I was diabetic. Our bodies are effected by the fall and are broken in many ways. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle practically with believing quite a bit of my thinking issues are fruits of a chemical issue. But God has provided me with medicine that helps my brain. We have also been working on retraining my brain to think correctly. God is good.
Am I healed? Will I keep struggling? I am considerably better than I was. I received amazing news the day before I turned 24. Julie said, "You're graduated!". And wrote me a note to allow me to go back to work for part time. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. I still struggle with a lot of things on a daily basis, but it is nothing like it was before. God has rescued me and freed me. I may struggle with this my entire life but it can be controlled by someone who is far greater than I. My biggest struggle is resting in the perfection of Jesus and the love of my Father.
But He is perfect and sufficient and He loves me with an everlasting love.
I want everyone who reads this to know that God is good, God is faithful, God is love, God is merciful, God is ABLE, and God is the only one who holds any control in any facet of our lives. How great is it that He also delights in those who call on the name of His Son. Join me in being astounded by His goodness and love and I would encourage myself along with those who know Jesus to rest in Jesus' sufficiency in both His sin-covering blood and His incredible obedience on our behalf.
I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live. The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!". Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, oh my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living. Ps. 116:1-9
Praise the LORD, all nations! Extol Him, all peoples! For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Praise the LORD! Ps. 117
Oh give thanks to the LORD for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. All nations surrounded me; in the name of the LORD I cut them off! They surrounded me like bees; they went out like a fire among thorns, in the name of the LORD I cut them off! I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. Glad songs of salvation are in the tents of the righteous:" The right hand of the LORD does valiantly, the right hand of the LORD exalts, the right hand of the LORD does valiantly!". I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD. The LORD has disciplined me severely, but He has not given me over to death. Open to me the gates of righteousness, that I may enter through them and give thanks to the LORD. This is the gate of the LORD; the righteous shall enter through it. I thank you that you have answered me and have become my salvation. The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. This is the LORD's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Ps. 118:1, 5-23
