paralyzing fear

Up until this point my posts have all had a pointed message that I was trying to convey.  This one is more like a diary entry-  A glimpse into my fragile, easily perturbed mind.  For as long as I can remember I have struggled with worry and nerves.  I would vomit before every voice recital and sometimes when I just went out with friends.  I couldn't tell you the reason for the latter and it is embarrassing but those who have known me a long time know I used to carry a gallon plastic bag in my purse in case I needed to throw up from nerves somewhere.   I am afraid in most all areas of my life I struggle with fear, consistently second guessing every decision, and a very strong sense of inferiority or lack of ability.  A couple people who are dear to me consistently tell me I could do anything I choose to do.  They tell me I am capable of anything at all.  Sometimes I can believe this in the factual portion of my brain.  If I focus on things I have accomplished I can see that I may have done alright in areas of my life.  But my heart never seems to catch up to what I sometimes see as reality and what other people tell me as fact.  I believe mainly because I have a complete lack of confidence in what I can do. This and a constant general aversion to anything remotely resembling the unknown combines to place me in a deep level of fear.  The fear that I will fail or perform in any function at less than 100% is honestly paralyzing.  Physically I know I can do most things and work any job (that does not require a degree or special prior experience).  Mentally I feel utterly incapable of doing something I have never done before.  I understand to the lucid and orderly mind all this seems ridiculous and possibly pathetic.  But to my mind, it is the only way I think.  I cannot seem to get past the fact that I may fail or make mistakes.  Feeling inferior in preparation and experience does not begin to describe the workings of my frightened mind.  I know that all this is a faulty and awful way to think.  But what I don't think others understand is how paralyzing this fear is.  It is mentally crippling.  I honestly don't feel as though I can work to "better" my situation in life without a complete mental and emotional overhaul. In my limited vision, I cannot imagine a time where I could feel brave or excited about what could lay ahead for me by way of jobs or further education.  Its all unknown, dark, and scary to me.  

I know in my head that God has given me abilities whether or not I believe in my heart that I have them.  I know fear is not a godly trait and that by my attitude I am doubting His abilities.  I desperately need Him to heal my paralyzed mind.  I feel it will be a difficult and most likely lifelong struggle for me.  I wish I could be like the woman who could touch the hem of His garment and be healed instantly.  But perhaps by the slow exercise of faith in the little things I may one day be rid of the crippled limbs of my brain completely and be given new ones that run and leap while praising God.  

peace that passes all understanding

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Ever since I have been very young the promise of a peace that passes all understanding has been a concept that fascinated me for two reasons: One, the concept itself of something wonderful beyond comprehension. Two, the promise that it will in fact come and that no matter the situation in which I find myself this peace trumps all-- passing my understanding in its power to overcome every rebuttal my doubting heart throws in its face.
Be anxious for nothing... How my mother used to tell me over and over that God didn't use a very ambiguous word.  Nothing.  Does not leave much room as to what I feel is important enough for me to worry about and stress over.  Also included in her reminders was that it wasn't exactly a suggestion.  Although grammar has always been a weak area I know enough to realize that there was an understood 'you' at the beginning of that sentence-- a direct command.  These pointers were always followed by those two little words 'with thanksgiving'.  A very crucial step in the process; a shift in focus from my problems to the past works of God and the promise that He will use everything for my good.
Let your requests be made known to God... Does our omniscient God need a run down of everything I'm worried about so that He can be up to speed with the dramas and stress of my little life?  I think not.  He wants me to come to Him like a little child with the weight of the world on her shoulders and say "Daddy, will you help me?"  And just like the little girl that I so often am, He desires me to lay my burdens at His feet and rest perfectly in His peace knowing that Daddy has it all taken care of and He knows best.
I cannot say how much I am comforted by the fact that the coming peace is a promise.  Not just a good chance that it will come but it will come.  And He who makes the sun rise and set has never forgotten or broken a promise.  Countless times I have been utterly baffled by the peace that passes understanding.  In the face of my worst fears and incapacitating worries, I have been blindsided by a relief so sweet and so genuine that I am in awe of the God who supplies all my needs emotionally and mentally.  For His promise extends to my heart and my mind.