wow

Wow. 


That word is so inadequate but it's what comes to mind.  I'm sitting here having watched the remnants of an average sunset.... As if there was such a thing.  I think how beautiful it is and how it looks like a painting. And then I realize that paintings are only feeble expressions of the real beauty that my eye is actually watching unfold before me. How backwards we think sometimes.  Every second it is changing and moving and altering in shade yet always beautiful. 




It's as if the view I see of land and sky and sea has God's name all over it.  My brain looks out and I see "God" in Times New Roman all over everything I'm looking at.  No seriously, it happened.  Land and see that are held together and in place by the hands of God.  Gravity does its thing-- because God controls gravity.  Each atom in every molecule of water is clinging to each other because He said so. 
And then I am ashamed to realize how much of my day is wasted by me doubting God.  His power, His promises, and especially His love.  He silently gives me these signs daily, causes His sun to rise and set as if its no big deal.  Because to Him... it isn't.  And yet even while writing this my mind is so weak in unbelief and fear.  Let not your heart be troubled.  He is faithful, and He will do it.  As surely as the sun will rise tomorrow, my salvation is secure and I am righteous in the sight of Almighty God. Praise God.

to my single sisters

To my sisters in Christ who are, like myself, single long past when I had hoped to be married:

This is the truth:

Lie: you have done something wrong.  Every Christian girl should be married by your age. 
Truth: There is no shame.

You're not not pretty enough. You're not lovable. There is no standard this world, our fellow believers, or ourselves can actually place on our shoulders for a timeline on this life that God has created and sovereignly ordered for us.  I am, we are, exactly-- did you catch that? exactly- where God has chosen us to be.  As I am sitting here, I am glorifying God by being right in the timeline that He has set out for me. I would not have chosen all that God has chosen for me.  But guess what?? God knows what is best for me.  This. is best for me.  Our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  He is glorified by me being single, today, March 8th 2015.

Lie:  You're missing out on something irreplaceable, the love of another human being joined with you for your entire life.
Truth:  God's best for you does not include holding something back from you that would be genuinely good for you.  He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also along with Him graciously give us all things?

The love of the all powerful, all knowing, deeply loving LORD of the universe loves you perfectly and without any hint of sin or unfaithfulness.  The love of a husband is, I imagine, amazing and certainly God created, a huge gift. However, an earthly love will fail as it is held in the heart of a human still prone to sin. But nothing can be compared with the love of our perfect Husband.   His love is more than enough to satisfy.  Fact.

Lie: I'll never get to be a bride with a gorgeous dress.
Truth: You are part of Christ's Bride with the most dazzling, beautiful dress ever seen.


Each daughter of the King has a life that God has planned down to the minor details.  If God glorifies Himself in the fact that you are single-- and He does, there is. no. shame. We just have to trust that God knows best and that all He does for us is done in love.  Let us not be discontent in the GOOD life that God has chosen for us at this time.  You are dearly loved.  Incredibly precious.  I know this is all true, help thou Lord my unbelief. 

because I can't sleep

Lying here unable to sleep before an early day tomorrow, trying to keep my mind on good things. Read a post a friend posted on facebook about marriage and things that either injure your spouse or encourage them. I obviously have no personal experience in anything marriage-related and I think marriage would be a difficult endeavor but it's also exciting to think that you can mean so much to someone that the things you say and do make a huge difference in their emotional well-being. What a blessing to be able to bless someone you care about deeply with just a few words.


I'm afraid of the vulnerability that marriage entails especially when it comes to my unhealthy brain and the havoc that it wreaks in me. But I know that God can prepare whomever he has for me to be able to cope with my brain and everything else that makes up me. Grateful that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us and looking forward to being one with someone who loves God with their whole heart.


All this to say: Dear man who God planned before the foundation of the world to love me and be a picture of Christ to me, I prayed for you tonight.


Lord, make us both love you.

my fathers and my blessings

Gone through a bit of a rough time the past couple weeks.  The new year brought unpleasant surprises.  But a few things have shone more brightly than before or at least in new ways. Through this time of pain and tears my earthly father has expressed that his heart breaks to see mine broken.  In my shallow belief in God's sovereignty I begin to wonder what God is doing, why He would choose something for me that just hurts.  But in a deeper understanding of who God is, my dad's heart for me reminded me that if my father on earth could hurt to see me hurt, how much more perfectly does my Father in heaven love me.  He is good in His love all the time and whatever He chooses for me His motives and desires are never just to see me struggle.  He has a great purpose and cares for me even more than my dad.  I tend to be more theologically sound in my thoughts of God- which is good, but I sometimes miss out on the relationship side of my relationship with God.  Grateful for both my Daddys and their tender hearts towards me.  I hope to understand God's heart for me even more.

the LORD answered me and set me free

Beginning in January this year I rapidly fell into a very dark place that to me seemed to be an impossible place to climb out of.  And it was. For me. I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me. Ps. 118:13. I was wrapped up in the confusion and frailty of my mind.  Obsessively worrying over every thought that entered my mind or any impression that passed over me.  My parents patiently worked with me through my utter fear and darkness for months.  After the fears took over more and more, they effected my job and I had to go on a leave. 

I cannot describe the fear of unrepentance and the constant fear of sinning that engulfed me.  The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me; I suffered distress and anguish.. Ps. 116:3.  I could not live a perfect life, even if I thought I could live without outward sin I couldn't have perfect motives.  Nothing felt like enough.  Confession was excessive.  Guilt and fear drove my life.

The doctor suggested  that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I denied that any of this could be a medical condition.  I was convinced that it was morally based and that the devil was torturing me with lies.  I was very skeptical that there could be a medical side to my problem.  I received a phone call from my Grammi who had not known I had been to the doctor and she specifically mentioned OCD in connection to my problem.  Too many things seemed to point to finding a Christian Psychologist to visit to see if she could officially diagnose a disorder.  Through prayer my parents walked forward with me. 

God led us to Dr. Julie Stroemel and she has been a help and a blessing to me.  She diagnosed me with OCD and told me that it was treatable.  I couldn't imagine being better.  But with God nothing is impossible.  He does abundantly beyond what we ask and what we think.

When you have OCD, your brain can't communicate properly with itself due to a lack of serotonin.  It gets stuck in loops and you can't seem to get out of them.  Unwanted thoughts come into your mind and you obsess over them,  they cause you to feel compelled to perform actions to relieve or release yourself.  It is a slavery of the mind. 

God worked with me through my concerns over taking medicine to help with the deficiency of serotonin.  As both my doctor and psychologist said, my brain is as much a part of my body as anything else, and I wouldn't think twice about accepting insulin if I was diabetic.  Our bodies are effected by the fall and are broken in many ways.  Don't get me wrong, I still struggle practically with believing quite a bit of my thinking issues are fruits of a chemical issue.  But God has provided me with medicine that helps my brain.  We have also been working on retraining my brain to think correctly.  God is good.

Am I healed? Will I keep struggling?  I am considerably better than I was.  I received amazing news the day before I turned 24.  Julie said, "You're graduated!". And wrote me a note to allow me to go back to work for part time.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  I still struggle with a lot of things on a daily basis, but it is nothing like it was before.  God has rescued me and freed me.  I may struggle with this my entire life but it can be controlled by someone who is far greater than I.  My biggest struggle is resting in the perfection of Jesus and the love of my Father.


          But He is perfect and sufficient and He loves me with an everlasting love.

I want everyone who reads this to know that God is good, God is faithful, God is love, God is merciful, God is ABLE, and God is the only one who holds any control in any facet of our lives.  How great is it that He also delights in those who call on the name of His Son.  Join me in being astounded by His goodness and love and I would encourage myself along with those who know Jesus to rest in Jesus' sufficiency in both His sin-covering blood and His incredible obedience on our behalf.

I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.  Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.  The snares of death encompassed me; the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me;  I suffered distress and anguish. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!". Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, oh my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling;  I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living. Ps. 116:1-9

Praise the LORD, all nations! Extol Him, all peoples!  For great is His steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.  Praise the LORD! Ps. 117

Oh give thanks to the LORD for he is good;  for his steadfast love endures forever!  Out of my distress I called on the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me free.  The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.  What can man do to me?  The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.  All nations surrounded me; in the name of the LORD I cut them off!  They surrounded me like bees; they went out like a fire among thorns, in the name of the LORD I cut them off!  I was pushed hard, so that I was falling, but the LORD helped me.  The LORD is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.  Glad songs of salvation are in the tents of the righteous:" The right hand of the LORD does valiantly, the right hand of the LORD exalts, the right hand of the LORD does valiantly!". I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD.  The LORD has disciplined me severely, but He has not given me over to death.  Open to me the gates of righteousness, that I may enter through them and give thanks to the LORD.  This is the gate of the LORD; the righteous shall enter through it.  I thank you that you have answered me and have become my salvation.  The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.  This is the LORD's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.  This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  Ps. 118:1, 5-23

paralyzing fear

Up until this point my posts have all had a pointed message that I was trying to convey.  This one is more like a diary entry-  A glimpse into my fragile, easily perturbed mind.  For as long as I can remember I have struggled with worry and nerves.  I would vomit before every voice recital and sometimes when I just went out with friends.  I couldn't tell you the reason for the latter and it is embarrassing but those who have known me a long time know I used to carry a gallon plastic bag in my purse in case I needed to throw up from nerves somewhere.   I am afraid in most all areas of my life I struggle with fear, consistently second guessing every decision, and a very strong sense of inferiority or lack of ability.  A couple people who are dear to me consistently tell me I could do anything I choose to do.  They tell me I am capable of anything at all.  Sometimes I can believe this in the factual portion of my brain.  If I focus on things I have accomplished I can see that I may have done alright in areas of my life.  But my heart never seems to catch up to what I sometimes see as reality and what other people tell me as fact.  I believe mainly because I have a complete lack of confidence in what I can do. This and a constant general aversion to anything remotely resembling the unknown combines to place me in a deep level of fear.  The fear that I will fail or perform in any function at less than 100% is honestly paralyzing.  Physically I know I can do most things and work any job (that does not require a degree or special prior experience).  Mentally I feel utterly incapable of doing something I have never done before.  I understand to the lucid and orderly mind all this seems ridiculous and possibly pathetic.  But to my mind, it is the only way I think.  I cannot seem to get past the fact that I may fail or make mistakes.  Feeling inferior in preparation and experience does not begin to describe the workings of my frightened mind.  I know that all this is a faulty and awful way to think.  But what I don't think others understand is how paralyzing this fear is.  It is mentally crippling.  I honestly don't feel as though I can work to "better" my situation in life without a complete mental and emotional overhaul. In my limited vision, I cannot imagine a time where I could feel brave or excited about what could lay ahead for me by way of jobs or further education.  Its all unknown, dark, and scary to me.  

I know in my head that God has given me abilities whether or not I believe in my heart that I have them.  I know fear is not a godly trait and that by my attitude I am doubting His abilities.  I desperately need Him to heal my paralyzed mind.  I feel it will be a difficult and most likely lifelong struggle for me.  I wish I could be like the woman who could touch the hem of His garment and be healed instantly.  But perhaps by the slow exercise of faith in the little things I may one day be rid of the crippled limbs of my brain completely and be given new ones that run and leap while praising God.  

peace that passes all understanding

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Ever since I have been very young the promise of a peace that passes all understanding has been a concept that fascinated me for two reasons: One, the concept itself of something wonderful beyond comprehension. Two, the promise that it will in fact come and that no matter the situation in which I find myself this peace trumps all-- passing my understanding in its power to overcome every rebuttal my doubting heart throws in its face.
Be anxious for nothing... How my mother used to tell me over and over that God didn't use a very ambiguous word.  Nothing.  Does not leave much room as to what I feel is important enough for me to worry about and stress over.  Also included in her reminders was that it wasn't exactly a suggestion.  Although grammar has always been a weak area I know enough to realize that there was an understood 'you' at the beginning of that sentence-- a direct command.  These pointers were always followed by those two little words 'with thanksgiving'.  A very crucial step in the process; a shift in focus from my problems to the past works of God and the promise that He will use everything for my good.
Let your requests be made known to God... Does our omniscient God need a run down of everything I'm worried about so that He can be up to speed with the dramas and stress of my little life?  I think not.  He wants me to come to Him like a little child with the weight of the world on her shoulders and say "Daddy, will you help me?"  And just like the little girl that I so often am, He desires me to lay my burdens at His feet and rest perfectly in His peace knowing that Daddy has it all taken care of and He knows best.
I cannot say how much I am comforted by the fact that the coming peace is a promise.  Not just a good chance that it will come but it will come.  And He who makes the sun rise and set has never forgotten or broken a promise.  Countless times I have been utterly baffled by the peace that passes understanding.  In the face of my worst fears and incapacitating worries, I have been blindsided by a relief so sweet and so genuine that I am in awe of the God who supplies all my needs emotionally and mentally.  For His promise extends to my heart and my mind.